I'm comin' on like a hurricane
My lightning's flashing across the sky
You're only young but you're gonna die'
Brian Johnson 'Hells Bells' AC/DC
Damn, aren't those some encouraging words. Jim Morrison of the Doors said something similar 45 years ago, 'no one here gets out alive.' That, ladies and gentlemen is an undeniable fact. How you live your life from that first glimpse of light, until your last waltz is something I think about daily.
At nearly 54 years of age, I know the sunset of my life can come before I finish this blog, later today, sometime tomorrow, next week, or next year. At anytime, usually when you least expect it, God will show up and say 'you're ass is mine now.' Sorry, no timeout's, no do-overs, no time to say good-bye, sometimes not even time to pack, just 'you're coming with me.'
If you have a belief system, as I do that shouldn't scare you. Heaven awaits you with relatives, friends, pets, and eternity where there is no pain, or sorrow; where everything is perfect. As good as that sounds, I don't know too many people who are ready to board that train and make that a one way ticket to ride, I'm sure not. The thing is, I know I don't have any control over that, only the Big Guy does.
Many people go through life, not worrying about that eventuality too much. Others don't believe, and don't worry for the same reason. To them, you get one crack at this life and when it's over it's time for the big sleep, back from where you came and all that. I, on the other hand, think about it a lot, too much.
When I was 41 years old, I was diagnosed with colon cancer. My family has a history of cancer, but like many with a family history, thought it would pass me by, not to be. Luckily it was an early stage cancer, and after surgery, radiation, and chemo, lovingly referred in the medical community as cut, burn, and poison, I was cancer free, woohoo!! Problem was, I came out of that experience a different person than the guy that went in. At 41, I was all about taking it slow, stopping and smelling the roses, basically waiting to die. I had a one year old child at the time, and all I wanted to do was enjoy my time with her. Things that were important to me previously, didn't seem so important anymore.
Fast-forward seven years, I'm cancer free, divorced, in the middle of a career change, and guess what? Yep, a recurrance of the colon cancer. Once again I was lucky and it was an early stage tumor. Thing was, the doctors now determined my cancer to be a genetic problem and advised that I have my entire large colon removed. Well, I wasn't exactly ready for that, but considering the alternatives, out it came.
While in the hospital, they took a portion of my tumor and sent it to the Mayo Clinic for analysis. What came back was that I indeed had a genetic anamoly that made me susceptible to cancers of the colon, but at increased risk for a whole host of gastro-intestinal cancers, whoopee!! I initially took this as pretty much a death warrant, it was just a matter of time. The doctor told me that it wasn't, it just meant that based on the over-all population in general, I was at higher risk. To me, that was still like saying, that if you weren't out in the Nevada desert during A-Bomb testing you were probably fine, but if you did, you were pretty well fucked.
Now, here we are, another seven years later, and I appear to be fine. Problem is, every time I get a sore throat, a stomach ache, or just feel unwell, I can't help but wonder, if 'this is it.' I know I shouldn't live that way, but it is what it is. I don't sit and wait any more. If anything, having cancer a second time was a blessing. I stopped waiting to die and started to live, I still am. Thing is, it gets very tiring. I try to block it out and just live my life, but in the back of my mind, I can't help but wonder when the other shoe is going to drop, whatever the hell that means.
I know that I could die of anything so I shouldn't be overly worried about things I can't control. Even though my belief system is solid, I still can't help but wonder what's on the other side, what it will be like, how long before I go there. I keep asking God not to take me yet. I have a wife who needs me. I have a little girl who needs her daddy. I know there is no good time to go, but now would not be a good time. I know he's listening, I just hope he agrees with me.
My mom passed away nearly four years ago. She had a faith that was shaken many years previous. She never talked about it much, but I knew she believed. When it was her time, after the initial shock and mourning, she was very strong, and very brave. My mom handled her last days in a heroic fashion and a kind of peace at the end that I can only hope to have when it's my time.
Until that time, it's time to get at the work of living, living until I die.
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